I am not a thing

I imagine if had graduated now and in search for a job, I would probably do terribly at it. Not because of my limited working experience, not even because of trailing bad luck that punctures the tyres of every bus that I travel in on the way to my interviews. No, I would do terribly very first and foremost because I find resume writing a stressful, rigid, cold, emotionless, insurmountable task.

Resume writing to me is as stressful as shopping is to men, as poisonous as peanut butter is to anaphylaxics. It kills me to have to write in self-applauding words that advertise myself, not unlike some Nokia commercial - "I have something in my pocket. It is not one thing. It is many." I am one person of countless skills and ability [cough, cough]. No one (other phone) matches me. I am special (incorporates the latest wireless entertainment technology). I, and only I, befits the position (the only phone you need). How bashful, how pretentious, how impassive! One thinks about this affair happening everyday (in the real, people world, for goodness sake) in such unfeeling manner and it shouldn't be too difficult to conjure up an image of commercial goods in stylish coats/dresses, leather shoes and briefcases, complete with perfume and makeup, strutting in and out of interviews, carrying nicely printed - and most certainly expensive - advertising brochures of themselves, perhaps even an ISO certified sticker. Excuse me while I rush over to the washbasin and puke.

I cannot for the life of me comprehend this need for crowing, albeit only on paper. Yes, it is a competitive world. Yes, to succeed we must have an edge over others. Yes, the first page of a resume must be impressive enough to entice the reader who probably has hundreds other resumes on her desk. But do we have to go over the top with this? Lately I have had to submit a CV. After two stressful days I finally came up with one, together with a personal statement, written in the only way I know how. A well-meaning friend*, having read through it, said "I think you are wasting words with your first paragraph" (I was talking about an influential person in my life) "Maybe you should mention all your IT skills instead."

Well, come on. I've only been introduced to programming two years ago, Mozart was a child prodigy at four years old, still it took 13 years before he produced world-class music. Two years of very small scale programming and I am entitled to holler about it? And well, perhaps, perhaps prospective employers would agree with my friend on the first paragraph, but it was after all a personal statement, and that was an introduction to who I am. And I am a person. Not a Sony Vaio TX Series notebook. Employers who seek to employ laptops should turn their heads to Sim Lim Square instead.

I see no need for excessive self-praise. Unless one has truly earned the boasting rights, exaggerated self description is not only pompous, but also bogus. Yet somehow, it seems that such grandeur is expected in a resume. And it is pretty sad, because each one of us is special and different in our own ways. Now, instead of expressing the person that he is, the individual is forcefully reduced to unfeeling, advertising words on paper - words akin to describing lifeless commercial goods.

Well luckily for me the cultural setting where I was sending my CV to favours modesty. I wonder if this is the case in a highly competitive place like Singapore. Probably I will find out after graduation...I would know that I've become a Samsung D900, if I ever start to puke all over my documents.

*no offense intended, this friend was very well-meaning and supportive. We were all "victims" to this employment hoo-hah.